Courage

Dear Liv - 

Love,
Mama

The Best

Dear Olivia,

Love, Mama

Happy Birthday Livy - 5 years Old

Dear Olivia,

Five years ago was the most treasured day of my life.  The little girl who lights up my life was born!

It is hard to believe that you are 5! The days have gone by so fast, and you grow in one way or another every.single.day.  You are so fun to be around.  You love to talk and when you talk you are so animated and talk with your hands and eyes and mouth!  It’s ironic that I think you talk a lot because at as school they say that you are quite the opposite.  Speaking of school, you started Pre-K at St. Mary Catholic School last fall (2012).  You ADORE school!  I am so glad you like it, and are learning new things, and making friends.  Your teacher, Mrs. Meinholz says that you are very kind and somewhat sensitive (I wonder who you get that from?).  Giana and Alana are your best friends at school, but really you have made friends with your whole class (and you told me the other day that you were going to marry Ryan!). Academically you are excelling (you must have got the smart gene from your daddy). You can count to 40 and by 10’s to 100.  You know the alphabet and recognize and write all the letters. You learned how to write your name this year.  You speak Spanish.  You know your colors (your favorite is yellow).  You also enjoy being read too and making your own books.  In the morning before you leave for school Mommy tells you “Do your best and be kind”.  You have taken those words and lived them.  We are so proud of you.

This past summer we went on a family vacation to Tennessee.  When we were there you picked out a little tiny (or “teensy tiny” as you would say) chick stuffed animal as a souvenir – man has that little guy changed our life! You are OBSESSED with Chicks.  You named your little buddy “Cutie” but the majority of the time you call him “Chickie”. You sleep with him, make houses for him, write stories about him, eat breakfast while holding him, and call for him in the middle of the night. You dressed up as a chickie for Halloween, and for your 5^th birthday party it of course has a chickie in it!  If he goes missing it is a catastrophe for you, for me, and especially your daddy!

You love to be outside. You have learned how to ride your big girl bike with training wheels.  Dad and I will walk around the neighborhood and you will ride your bike. You get excited to play outside with your friends in the neighborhood, Jackson and Owen Pfaff; Ava and Simone (Monee) Bertrand; and Morgan, Cole, and Addie Heinish. You guys will play with chalk, tag, obstacle courses, sledding, sprinklers, exploring, and bike riding.  There is usually someone to play with and if not you can be found outside with Mommy and/or Daddy.  You are a good little gardener and help me keep my flowers nice and pretty. You and daddy like to walk down by the pond and throw and skip rocks (another favorite thing) into it.

Here are just a few more random things that I want to remember:

·         When you play make believe your name is always “Anna Ottilie”. 

·         You started swim lessons this year at the YMCA

·         You love to craft, and are always making something.

·         Your favorite singer is Taylor Swift and you usually listen to your Ipod when you are going to bed.

·         You want to go to Disneyworld because you love princesses

·         You have great rhythm and we have a dance party at night as family

·         You are a horrible eater! You are very picky.  This year you have experimented at try a few new things, but it is very hard to feed you.

·         You talk about poop and pee ALL the timeJ I hope this changes!

·         Your favorite TV shows are Full House, Calliou, Sophia the First, and Diners, Drive-ins and Dive

·         You like to help cook

·         You like to play hide and seek

·         You rarely get in trouble because you are a good listener
      You love your large family! Your Grandma and Grandpas, Aunts and Uncles and Cousins.  But you
       have a special fondness for your cousin Emily. It melts my heart!

Oh Livy, I love you so! I love you with all my heart and love being a mommy to such a special little girl. You make me smile every day.  I cannot wait to watch you grow and see who you become – but I also want to always treasure these little years.  Because I believe, that they will help shape you into the women that you will become.

I love you forever and always,

Mama

Birth Story -Letter 8 and the final one

Dear Olivia, 

The rest of your birth story can be found here.   My "story" about my battle with Sepsis has been published on the Sepsis Alliance website.  

http://www.sepsisalliance.org/faces/heidi_ottilie/index.php

The Faces of Sepsis

 Heidi Ottilie - survivor

Sepsis...the word gives me chills and makes me angry that my doctors took so long to recognize it.  The word Sepsis is one that I had never heard until April 2008, now I like to mention Sepsis as often as I can, to as many people that I can because it is a word that EVERYONE should know the meaning to.

Here is my story.

April 2, 2008, I gave birth to our beautiful baby girl via c-section after having gone through a 2 day induction that did not work. During my time in the OR for the C-Section my bowel was somehow perforated by the surgeons, apparently unbeknownst to them.  I was released from the hospital to go home on April 5, 2018. At the time of my release I had a fever, had not had a bowel movement or urine output since the C-Section, I was vomiting and was in a great deal of pain. Being a first time mother, I thought this was normal and within the rights of the patients Standard of Care. Also, as first time mother and thinking this was the norm, I didn’t want complain or sound weak. So many women before me have done this and who was I to complain; I had just been blessed with an angel. As we drove home from the hospital my husband had to pull over numerous times as I was getting sick.  My stomach was descended to the point where I looked more pregnant then I did at 9 months!

As the days and nights went by things didn't change. I couldn't hold anything down and I still had all the above symptoms, but they continued to progress. I called my doctor, who said it was the pain medicine causing this. I stopped taking it. I continued to get sicker. This is not what I had imagined my first few days as a mother would be. I thought I was just being a baby about all of this and need to suck it up.

I went to see the Nurse Practitioner to get the staples removed from c-section incision on April 12, 2008. I could barely lie down. My back hurt so badly. In my records, she said I was likely having postpartum depression. I told her my other symptoms and she told me to take Colace, a stool softener. On April 13, 2008 my sister came over to help with me and the baby.  I could barely walk.  She got there and I showed her my mouth, when I opened it up it was full of thick, cottage cheese like puss.  She immediately took me to an Immediate Care Clinic since it was a Sunday.  They said I had Thrush.  What? Usually the baby gets thrush?  They prescribed and antibiotic and I was hopeful that I was on my way to better health.

The next day my mother-in-law came to help with the baby as my husband had to work and now I was at the point where I couldn’t walk.  She took one look at me and drove me straight to my OB’s office.  They checked me out and 5 minutes later I was in the ER on the way to get a CT Scan of my abdomen. From this moment the next month of my life is nonexistent to me. I don’t remember anything from that point on until May 14, 2008.  My first night there they drained 5 gallons of puss from my stomach.   I was admitted with peritonitis, sepsis, and then eventually septic shock. They did FIVE exploratory surgeries on me in the first hospital.  They discovered the perforation in my bowel on the third surgery.  They wanted to give me a full hysterectomy.  My family said no. They took my appendixes and gall bladder.  On my six surgery where they was suppose to “close me up” (my stomach had been cut open down the middle from the right under my breasts to my C-Section incision).  My family all prayed before I went into surgery and then went to the waiting area.  They got the call.  “There was nothing more they could do here”. 

My family went into panic mode and made phone calls.  In a matter of hours I was on my way to one of the best hospitals in the country in Chicago. I was on life support and flown by helicopter.  Once I arrived at this hospital things changed dramatically.  I was assigned an infectious disease team, the head of gynecology was on my OB Team, a general surgeon and very special “plastics” doctor were also part of the team and I still see both of them to this day!  They reviewed my case.  Notes in my records state “a young women in very bad shape”. They decided NOT to jump in and do surgery right away. They decided I DID NOT need a hysterectomy. The decided the best thing to do was to let my body rest and let the anti-biotics do their job.  They put on a wound vac to help drain the infection from the stomach. Eventually they did a surgery to wash my organs and some other things.  I am not sure when I woke up, but it was very hard to learn that my family had to go through all of this. That my brand new daughter had to be away from her mommy and daddy because of some doctors not paying attention to the patient. The hospital in Chicago was wonderful; they let my daughter come see me in ICU. It gave me motivation to get better. My husband wasn’t allowed to stay in my room ICU so he lived in a hotel right by the hospital until I was switched to a regular room and then he slept there every night until I went home.

 I was in two different hospitals for about a month. A month being away from my brand new baby girl, my husband (he was physically there while I was not mentally there), and all the dreams I had dreamed of since I was a small child. When I was released to go home I was excited but sad, I couldn't hold my little girl because I had had seven abdominal surgeries. I was sent home with the  wound vac  and my stomach left “open”.  The wound vac sponges’ started out diameter-wise was the size of a basketball and would need to be changed every other day. There would be a home health care nurse that would come and do that and change my IV that I was going home with as well. When we got home my husband became the main caregiver for Livy because I couldn't lift her or barely walk. Emotionally I was a wreck. I was dealing with the hormones of postpartum, as well as anger, guilt, and, even though the people that were helping me were those I loved, I wanted to be the one holding and feeding my baby girl.

Since 2008 I have endured a lot of things – a surgery to close me up, going back to work the week the doctors released me, a surgery for a hernia that I developed as a result of the infection, a hematoma surgery – a result of the hernia surgery. I’ve gained weight because I couldn't exercise for a while. AND, the biggest most disappointing bummer: the news that we can’t have anymore biological children. My stomach wall just isn't and never will be strong enough.

I sometimes wonder if they would have caught it earlier would my life be different. Would my child have sibling? Would I be able to be more active as I was before? Would our finances be better because we wouldn't have had to pay all the hospital bills? Would I be stronger emotionally?

Sepsis changed me. My body is weaker. I worry if I have a fever. But it has also made me a stronger person for all that my family had to endure. I always tell people when they feel something is wrong with them to trust THEIR body! Doctors can be great, but I wish I would have pushed the doctors in the beginning to tell them this NOT right.

Every chance I can, I tell people my story.  They may not want to hear it, but one day it could save their life, or the life of one of their loved ones.  I especially feel that younger people need to know about Sepsis.  We need to educate doctors, nurses, students, physician assistants, etc on the signs.  If my condition would have been caught earlier, my life could be A LOT different.  I am so glad that my body was a fighter and that I was blessed with  that team of Doctors in Chicago who did not give up on me.  Whenever I see them know for annual check-ups they always say “You are one lucky lady.”  And I truly believe that. 

In the summer of 2012 I spoke with Illinois Public Radio about Sepsis during Sepsis Awareness Month. Here is the link http://wuisnews.wordpress.com/tag/heidi-ottilie/

Also if you ever have questions about my surviving sepsis story, please feel to contact me at hmottilie@gmail.com

Please remember that i love you so much little girl!  And i would do it all over again if it meant that i got to have you as may Daughter.

All My Love, 

Mama

My Wish

Dear Livy,

Love,
Mama

Between You and God

Dear Livy, 
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. 
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. 
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” 
― Mother Teresa

So true.

Love, Mama

Struggle

Dear Livy,

Wow we have seen our share of struggles together! This past year (2012) was full of them. Mommy fell down the stairs in house in the middle of the night in June and broke my back! It was horrible and scary for me not because of my injury, but because I was worried about how it would effect you. I had no reason to worry, you are a strong, brave girl that helped to take care of me. Your daddy has taught you well! You have such a caring soul and generous spirit that really helped me to heal. 6 months later I am still struggling. With pain, with working, with being exhausted, and I sometimes feel that I am not being a good mom. I want you to know that I am always trying my best to be the best mommy to you. I know I will get through this and my energy level will return, but that day can't come soon enough for me. I always want you to know that I am trying my best as I encourage you to do everyday when you go to school. I love you and daddy to pieces and want you know how much you mean to me, even if on some days I don't show it. I want you to know that struggles in life can be burning and exhausting but asking for help from friends or family is a big relief. We can't go through life doing things all by ourselves trying to prove to people that we are Strong. For if we have gotten this far we know we are already that.
Thanks for being my daughter....you mean the world to me!

Do your best and always be kind.

I love you,
Mama